yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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