Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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