Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We just shotgunned beers for America
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize