: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
