I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
