my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
