I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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