I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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