What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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