On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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