I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
