i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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