Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
my poor anus
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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