STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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