I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
