The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Randomize
