You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
