I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
