Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
