I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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