John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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