Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
