YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize