When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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