So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
