....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
