i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
