Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
