my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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