did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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