I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
The best revenge is premature balding
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
