Umm I'm too high to move.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
