So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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