6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
