why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
