You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize