Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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