can we get nightvision for the apartment?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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