Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
