new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
