I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
