Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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