I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
