I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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