chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Couch. On fire.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
