I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
