she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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