i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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