I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
