It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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