Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
