my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
