I've blown a few things in my day
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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