I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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