one two three fourrrrnication!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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