ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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