I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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