the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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