Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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