Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
