Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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