What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
