I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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