remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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