Me. At least after what I've been through.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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