Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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