First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
